day to day...

Icant believe that yesterday I was on top of the world and today I feel like shit... Nothing's really changed, physically, just emotionally... I can't believe I'm really going to be w/o him! I'm freaking the fuck out....I'm in a super shitty mood and I don't know how I can tell anyone why I feel this way cause NO ONE would even be slightly sympathetc for me. No one would understand. I have NO soft landing for myself. I really am going to be completely and totally alone. I don't know anyone who would want me. I know that I have a tendency to to attract guys and they go running the opposite direction. I wish I knew why. I wish they could impart a reason with me before they left. I just want to have a fling.... I want to feel like someone needs me... Ugh. I'm really in a super shitty place. And I'm not sure where to go from here..

life, now.

Life is a crazy thing... Things you never know could be possible always have a way of appearing at the most opportune times... Its weird how this thing called life works... A few months ago I was jobless, carless, in a "like-less" relationship, and just altogether feeling hopless.... I didn't know where I was going to live or what the next few months would hold. I honestly felt like my world was absolutely coming to an end. Everyone kept syaing I would look back at that time and laugh... I couldn't imagine that day back then; nor did I realize it would come so soon... But I'm there now. :-) I have my job back. I'm not sure how it happened, but long story short it involves seeing my district manager at the club... Haha but however it happened, all that matters is that it did. I now have a 2003 Honda Accord that I absolutely love. Never in a million years did I think I'd actually get this car. I know it sounds silly, but I have always loved this car and I don't too much get what I want... Lastly, I'm out of my relationship... Its sort of bitter-sweet because I don't know that I'll ever love someone with that much intensith or passion. I'm just not sure that anyone can ever know me that well again. He knows what I think before I do... And vice versa. He and I just aren't the same people that we were before... I'm going to miss him like crazy, but I know that this is the best... At least for now. I need some time to realize who I am w/o him. Moving out of our apartment is going to be one of the most difficult expieriences of my life. Only akin to moving out of my mom's house at the age of 16... I don't know what I'm going to do w/o him... Which is part of the problem. So I'm moving in w/my best friend and a friend that I believe can be great for me. He's an awesome listener and has some great outlooks on life as a whole. Not to mention he's gorgeous. ;-) but honestly I'm super excited about building an awesome relationship with him and strengthening the relationship I already have with Alisha. She's honestly the best friend I could ever ask for....she's always there for me, no questions asked. I don't know any other person in the world that I can call at any time of the day or night crying and feeling hopeless for no reason and she can make me smile. I don't know where I'd be w/o her... In general, life is just looking up all the way around... I'm excited to find out what's ahead for me... Life, like I said, can bring so many unexpected twists, and I'm excited for the ride....
-Monica

....

so not much to say today... i downloaded flock today and ran back into blogger. I decided I need to start using it more often.... I guess I could keep a journal without keeping it online but there's something to be said about knowing that someone you don't even know may read it.... maybe even offer up a personal experience or some advice....


so life at home pretty much sucks.... i don't know how i feel about J.... i don't know how i can feel absolutely in love with someone one night and want to go out with someone else the next.... this isn't a feeling that i've ever encountered before... i love him but i know our relationship is very destructive for the both of us.... i know he loves me, but i also know that he doesn't like me more often than not..... i'm just not sure how to feel about the situation....





i'm still unemployed.... and i hate it.... i don't know where i'm going to be able to make the same money that i used to....the whole situation makes me so furious i could spit! i might go work at ikea or at circuit city.... but i just don't think that i will make enough money at either one of those places to pay my bills.....







i just recently totaled my car..... some jackass pulled out in front of me and there was no way i could stop from hitting him.... just another problem for me.... i have a shitty home life, no job, and no car... ugh my life is absolutely sucking at this point... hopefully i can convince my dad to help me buy a car or else i'm going to be that much more screwed....


lastly, i'm so glad this semester is over.... after i lost my job i just had an overwhelming sense of helplessness..... i had a routine worked out... i was constantly going for 2 years and i felt like the bottom just fell out of my life.... my grades were worse this semester than they've ever been... i really hope i can make up for this semester during the summer.... i really need to get things back on track, but i'm just not sure how to get things back to the way they used to be.

that's life for now... i really hope something changes soon...

procrastination

so i'm absolutely procrastinating on writing my sociology paper..... i'm just really over school.... i've been at it for 2 1/2 years and i still have 2 years left... i feel so overwhelmed. i want to take a semester off but i know i'll never go back... and that's just not an option for me. my family would have a cow.... i'm having trouble working a full time time job and going to school full time... i'm STRUGGLING! i guess i really need to go write my five page paper that is due at 5:30.... but i have to have it done by three so i can get to my first class.... ugh i hate college life!!!!!!

today....

so i just ran into blogger today.... i figured it would be a good way to keep track of my thoughts with out my friends knowing..... no one has a blogger....